Your first date went pretty well, but it was a little extravagant for your taste. The guy picked a dinner spot that cost you nearly $100 (including overly-expensive wine). But you figure, It’s not a big deal, he was just trying to impress me. The next date, though, he proposes that you both go to a show, letting you know when you show up that the ticket is $90, which you give him at dinner, plus another $100 for that meal. Now, even though the guy’s cute, the financial commitment is getting uncomfortable. Even if you’re doing pretty well for yourself, you probably don’t like hemorrhaging cash this way. So you may wonder… should I see how long I can keep up with Mr. Big Spender? Or should I end things now, before the credit-card debt piles waaay up?
A closer look at dollars & dating
“The issue of spending a lot of money on dates really touches on the essential values that people have regarding finances—some people see money as the only way to express love, interest and fun,” says Rik Isensee (www.rikisensee.com), a psychotherapist based in San Francisco, CA, and author of books including Love Between Men: Enhancing Intimacy & Resolving Conflicts in Gay Relationships. But he also cautions that you should wait two dates to make sure this is an actual recurring problem, not just a well-meant gesture. “At first, your date might be wanting to do lofty things just to impress you,” he says, “so don’t automatically take it as something that’s meant to alienate you. It might just be his way of wanting to celebrate his newfound interest in you. It’s normal for someone to go a little over-the-top on the first date.” However, says Isensee, “if the big spending goes on longer than the first couple of dates, and you’re uncomfortable, you’ve got to speak up—otherwise you’ll build resentment toward the other person.”
How to have the money talk
OK, so you have to bring up the impact that dating this person is having on your wallet. Isensee recommends that you couch it in the positive, to avoid coming off as unnecessarily confrontational. “Sit down with the person,” says Isensee, “and start out by saying, ‘Hey, we’ve done some fabulous stuff on our first couple of dates. And I love expensive dinners as much as the next person. But I’d like to spend a little less in the future—so how about a nice long walk next time, followed by a dinner at a fun place that’s a little more moderately-priced?’ Offer a concrete, solid option like that.”
If you speak honestly like this, your date might respond with relief: Charles, 34, a waiter/actor in New York, NY, says, “It’s embarrassing to admit, but I’ve gone into a little credit-card debt, spending too much money on the first few dates with guys. I think I’m trying to show I’m successful, that spending $80 on dinner isn’t a problem for me. I’d be so relieved if a guy told me up front, ‘Let’s not spend a lot of money on a date.’ I’d put my bowling shoes on and have a lot more fun.” Suggesting this compromise (still a good dinner out, just not so expensive), instead of a $1 hot dog, shows that you’re open to nice things, but just don’t want to spend a whole paycheck.
Article
No Comments » | 
Tips | 
Permalink
Posted by ellie
